dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
