My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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