Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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