he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize