Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
