i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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