so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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