My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
