fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
