jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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