you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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