i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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