Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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