i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
