After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize