I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
