i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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