Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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