This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
