You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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