i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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