the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
as a side note pls kill me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
