I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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