When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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