apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
