you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize