update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
