I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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