you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You are a genius and a whore.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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