Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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