One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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