I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
