Barsexuality is the new black.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
