my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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