Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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