i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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