Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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