I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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