Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
