id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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