Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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