Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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