Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
