nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's shark week go big or go home
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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