My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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