Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
