She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
