I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
