Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
And then he peed in my hair
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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