textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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