i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The ass gains better be worth it
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