he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize