Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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