don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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