I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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