turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
