I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
