But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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