now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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