the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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