so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
