yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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