Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
